You leave me dry

The moist heat of your town hits me like a sledgehammer as I’m stepping off the aircraft and I can’t really relate to it all being real yet. The pattern on the floor is green and harbours a whole forest of branches and weird figures, and in many ways that pattern describes my own mixed feelings as well. My anxiety, my longing, my hopes and the way I’ve been living for so long now. I can feel time stopping, and it’s like I’m the only one moving at a normal pace. Balloons of different colours for someone returning home, children waiting for their mum or perhaps their dad are all moving in slow motion. There’s a light in the crowd down stairs though, I can see it from afar. It’s coming against me and some seconds later I’m feeling a warmth I’ve been missing against my skin like a sunburn.

 

The return

There were times when looking back at this blog felt like looking down a big, black hole and so I decided to leave it behind. The thing is though, that no matter how much I try to fool myself by attempting to be someone else, I always have to face the fact that I can’t be, at least not yet. This blog holds so many secrets about myself that I’ve hidden away from family and friends, that it’s hard to just  ignore it. They’re part of my past and I guess I should just try to live with them for now. Even the dark and scary parts that I’d rather like to forget.

 

A brand new me

Dear readers, I know I haven’t been posting very frequently lately and I’ve come to conclusion to let Dharcy Exposed rest for a while. This blog turned into something it was never supposed to be, and it got dark and destructive in a way I wasn’t prepared for. As I’m trying to turn things and my life around I’m taking a new step in the blog universe as well; and I’ve put up another blog. I want to see things in a new positive way as I’m starting therapy to deal with the eating disorder and as I’m going down under to sort my former/supposed to be/whatever relationship with R out, and I’m marking this to myself with a new blog. New eyes, new ways of seeing things, I think it’s a small step for some, but it’s a huge step for me.

 

That letter finally arrived yesterday. On the 12th of August I’m seeing someone who’ll start helping me sorting my life out. After holding my breath waiting for this since January I don’t quite know what to feel. Sigh of relief or completely scared to death? This means I’ll have to change, and at this point I’m not really sure I want to even though I’m dying to repair what’s left of me. It’s just an intimidating thought knowing I might be up for having my whole world turned upside down, and I think the thought of it is goddamn frightening.

 

Your lips taste of poison

I’m doing it again, running in circles and returning to bad habits I’ve kept myself from for weeks now. Well, starving has been there all the time but I’ve stayed off that bathroom floor at least. But there’s always something or someone there to make you stumble and fall back into that place where you think you belong. For me that place is a prison where I’m not good enough for him, for myself or for anyone.

 

Jigsaw falling into place, part II

So. I’ve aged another year again and I wonder what it is with time and years keeping coming and coming but they never leave. At times I want to buy a time machine and travel back in time to undo those mistakes and regrets I now live with, but I guess doing so would take away many things I love as well. So I’ve come to conclusion that even when time flies, there’s usually something good coming out of it, and when those bad things happen we always manage to cope in some miraculous way. What can I say? I’m still here even though I’m struggling quite hard to give up at times, but I’ve yet to reach that point when I stop breathing. I still haven’t.

 

Heartbeats

Everything is just insane at the moment, I can’t believe it’s actually happening; what I thought I’d never be able to put together and above all have enough cash to do. As I read my credit card number out loud to the travel agent it felt like the ground was shivering and I wondered how I managed to even keep my voice steady. When I hung up I had to sit down for a bit to take in what I had actually done and when the first feelings of shock had settled I realised it was for real and I couldn’t stop smiling.

 

There is a light that never goes out

My life and my emotions are a never ending roller coaster, I’m sure you frequent readers have come to that conclusion by now. It has even gotten to a point where I can wonder myself what’s around the next corner, because I seldom know. I tend to change like by the flip of a coin, and sometimes it doesn’t take much for it to happen at all. Just some of me being unsure of myself mixed with some encouraging words of a friend or someone else, and off I go, turning around 180 degrees.

 

All mixed up

So Penny finally found her Desmond and Desmond’s longing and waiting for years ended. Love always wins in movies and fairytales always have happy endings; and maybe they’re all made up to keep us believing that faith necessarily isn’t always fucking with us, it’s just keeping us on a very long leash. After cruising seas for ages, she finally found what she was searching for, and as I was crying my eyes out in front of the tv set, I couldn’t help but wondering when my longing and waiting will be over. Me, I’m both Penny and Desmond forged into one. I’m both searching and waiting at the same time.

 

Amarte es todo

I wonder when those people will realise they’re wrong. They think they’ve got it all figured out and this is something that will pass with the proper treatment or actually lack of treatment. No tests they’re running are showing anything; and all I want to do is yell back at them to run the right tests instead. But I can’t and I won’t, because they’re not interested. They’re only interested in body parts they can fix, and my mind isn’t included. My mind is for other people to fix, but I’m still waiting for that letter of relief to show up. Still nothing.