Dharcy Exposed

It can’t be real; the sun is rising for another morning and I’m still sat here, staring at a screen with my back gone stiff from all the hours I’ve spent on this chair. I should be in uni in one hour but I know, and they know too, that this will just be another day with me not showing. Most of them doesn’t even know my name, and going there is loaded with so much worrying I can’t make myself; going there is facing a million questions about where I’ve been, how I’m feeling. Going there means putting on my mask to hide from them and from myself, pretending to be someone I deep down know I’m not. What I’m doing up at nights helps though. What I keep filling the hours with in the days helps killing off the memories of you, and you’re fading from my mind. Or is it just what it wants me to believe? I deafen the hunger with the game, I deafen the pain with the people on there, I kill the time I could use for longing with being someone else; someone powerful and skilled. Someone even I am able to love. (more…)

Cold. The floor is cold and I need to get up. I don’t have much time left, and I don’t want to be here when he arrives. I’ll be long gone. Gone, gone, gone. I’ll be in another world, another universe where he can’t touch me again, where he can’t do me any harm. He won’t be able to bring me back, no, he won’t be able to take this back. I’ll free us both from the bonds; I’ll free myself from this suffering. I’ll take back his promises for him, once I’m on my way away from here he won’t be tied to me anymore. (more…)

I finally did it then. Not sure how it made me feel. All I know is it felt pretty okay to just blurt everything (okay not everything yet) out to someone who had to listen. Someone who actually had some very reasonable to say. I still feel like I’m a waste of time. Two reasons really: 1. My problems may not be critical enough or 2. I’m probably a lost case. You judge. (more…)

I wish people would just stop telling me how perfect and kind you are; I wish they’d just shut up about how lucky I am. Why can’t they just slow down a bit with their admiration and envy when I know they’ve got no clue about who you really are; what you are, you monster of a man. Most of the time you’re like a kitten on my lap though, but they don’t see all sides of you. (more…)

Fuck it, I give up. Fine, how the hell am I supposed to function without you, you think? The truth is I don’t. I’ve been sat on this stupid chair for hours now, not only today but for a week now, trying to get my hand-ins done. Not a single word put down so far and my Spanish teachers will probably burn me like a witch in the end of the week because I haven’t managed to hand in more than one task since the start of this semester. I was so sure I’d just pull myself together after you left; I told myself I shouldn’t worry about the things I missed while I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings because we’d been up all night talking, hugging and all the other things I don’t think I have to mention in detail. Because I thought I’d be able to just sort it after you left; thinking it would be easy to just pull myself together and sort it all then. (more…)

Once again I should be in class, not stuck here in front of my pc; waiting for my e-mail to make that pleasant sound on msn. 90% of the time it’s just the ordinary spam or Facebook cluttering my inbox, but sometimes, when I least expect it; it’s those long longed for few words from down under. I got a mail two days ago, so now I’m guessing it will be another somewhat two weeks before I’m spoiled with more. Funny how those weeks pass me by without me remembering what I actually did with my time, except for the hours just around the arrival of what I’m longing for every day. The letters. (more…)

Trying to turn this around, at least temporarily. Spent a couple of hours talking to one of my sweetest friends and as usual she always has a few very reasonable things to say. She’s one of a kind when it comes to making me see things in a different light and talking to her always gives me this pleasant gut feeling of meaning something to someone. Not sure I always deserve it, but it sure felt good and it felt real, which is a surprising feeling these days. She told me to think of the good things and remember them, cherish them and let them keep me alive for as long as I need them to. I think she’s right. (more…)

Slowly and lightly cottonlike flakes of snow are falling from the sky reminding us that the darkest and coldest time of year is here. There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from it; it’s here whether we like it or not; whether we chose to accept it and embrace it or just lock ourselves up inside our homes pretending it’s still summer. It seems I’ve chosen the latter. I usually like autumn and winter; I find comfort in the darker times when you can be inside with lit candles, blankets and take cover in the arms and company of people you love; your friends and family – those who mean the most. This year I’m slipping a bit though, gliding through events and things I have to do, trying to make it all go away; but it won’t. (more…)

I pull my jacket closer around me as I’m stumbling along the street in my high heeled shoes on my way to the bus stop. It’s freezing cold outside and the snow in the air is tumbling around above my head in light, thin whirlwinds, chasing through the dark. Not that I feel it though, I’m fevery from the alcohol and I lost count of the amount I filled myself with hours ago. I don’t know why I do it; maybe I’m just trying to cover up the holes inside me with something, even though deep down I know it’s not the right way to do it. Still I do it at least three times a week, preferably four; and it’s a miracle I’m still able to handle school. Well, I trick people to believe I am. They don’t know all the failed courses I’ve added to my baggage. Yet. (more…)

I look at myself in the mirror and I can feel panic rising inside of me. Damn it, not again; not another time carrying this secret hidden behind a smile and sugary lies. I can’t hide it for much longer though, it’s going to show soon. Or will I just kill it again? Will I starve it until it leaves my body in small red puddles and then a big one that will make me feel sick and throw up from the pain? The pain in body and mind, and last but not least my already blistered heart. No, it can’t be, it’s already showing; as I’m standing in front of the mirror it’s growing bigger and bigger. Everything is surreal around me and now I hear you calling for me far away; your voice echoing like thunder against the walls in my room and there’s no place to hide. (more…)