Dharcy Exposed

There. It’s all over for this year and I’m back in my own, safe home, where I don’t have to pretend. Dinner at dad’s today was fine though; I guess he knew commenting on my somewhat half empty/half full plate didn’t have any effect. I did good actually; I actually managed to lose a couple over Christmas. Hopefully even more from running around at work like an ant on speed this week. (more…)

One more day left here then I have to go home to see my parents and brothers. Of course I long to see them but Christmas… My mum will be watching me constantly to make sure I eat and don’t run off straight afterwards. It will be awkward and it will be stressful and it will probably also end with me having a nervous breakdown and yell and call them things. Nice, since it’s Christmas after all. I don’t think I deserve them being so patient and understanding. I don’t think I really deserve to go home for the holidays at all. (more…)

She says I probably don’t write as much anymore just because I don’t have to; seeing her every week to ease my heart and mind is what I do instead. I’ve got another output, another place to dump this nuclear waste that I can’t keep inside anymore. I find small breathing holes every now and then; teacher training, work, sleep and the late night walks I just can’t stop taking. It’s a silly thing really since I live in a rather messy block but what would life be without risking it every few days? (more…)

Empty. I’m out of thoughts and out of words; it’s like I’ve got nothing to say anymore. Seems I’m out of tears too, I want to cry, I feel miserable enough to cry for hours but it just won’t come out. It’s like it’s stuck there inside of me like an ocean growing bigger and bigger for each day but it won’t explode just yet. Crying is the relief I’m waiting for, but right now it seems my body decided to keep me hanging on the rope for a while. (more…)

Come take me out of here
Take me anywhere
Oh yeah

Alright. One more try with this. I’ll make him love me, I’ll do my best to be lovable and perfect. It’s getting really late, or really early in the morning and he doesn’t reply any of my calls, even though he promised me he’d be ready to go home early. The twin bed is huge when you’re alone, and it’s cold. I reach for the empty spot beside me but there’s nothing there to grasp for. One more visit to the bathroom, I can’t get rid of enough of all this christmas food, it’s lying like a big sponge inside my belly; sucking in everything, me, my self respect and my dignity. It’s got to go, all of it. He’s still not picking up and now his mobile phone is turned off. I’m the only one left then; why can’t he just see what I’m doing, why can’t he just try? (more…)

Christmas. The word always makes me cringe on the inside; I try to avoid it every year but this huge commercial feast swallows you whole no matter you like it or not and this year is no exception. Yet another Christmas spent on my own, not alone but on my own. Everybody’s got someone, everybody’s got someone to share it with; someone to make it special. My someone is far away and all I can do is hope he’s thinking of me too, that I’m not the fool left behind to wonder, worry and hope that he’ll be back one day. Yesterday held a little starter to remember how it feels, and how I will be feeling this year; Christmas party with work didn’t really turn out the way I expected. (more…)