Dharcy Exposed

I have to admit that since I started seeing a therapist I haven’t been crying as much. Not sure why, it’s just like she planted this barrier inside me, and once it’s down I guess there will be no way to stop it. If I can’t keep my face until all this has gone away for good. Next confession though is I think I did something that resembled crying tonight. I’ve been working all day and things were fine, I managed to keep myself busy all day at work. I even went off to my landlord and cancelled the contract for my apartment so I can move out in May. I kept myself going all day because I knew the shortest pause would get me off track. (more…)

I’ve got one hand reaching for heaven
And the other one is dragging in the dirt
And I’ve got two souls
One is gonna love you
And the other one is gonna cause you hurt

(Two souls – Christian Kjellvander)

Saturday night is still on my mind every now and then and I can’t stop wondering why I don’t feel as guilty as I thought I would. There aren’t much regrets, a few, but not as bad as I thought it would be. It was a bit unnecessary though, I can admit that. On the other hand I’m more worried about the things you don’t do, than the things I ended up doing. Like why am I txting you and not the other way around? Why am I the one calling you up when you’re not calling me? Why am I the one waiting for e-mail replies and not you? The answer is I don’t know; maybe you just got too comfortable and secure in this, more comfortable than you have a reason to be. (more…)

Time. A force we can’t stop, nor bend back and it keeps moving ahead constantly. We’re changing with it and either we want it or not, there’s nothing we can do about it. Time also heals, they say. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not quite sure of, but at least something is happening inside us when we lose touch of what means the world to us. Once you’ve been alone for a while you get used to it and your mind starts moving in a new direction before you even noticed. My life and time is like riding the world’s biggest rollercoaster, and it could possibly be the attraction of the year at Disney World if they found a way to realise it outside my head. (more…)

I’m a cartoon
You’re the full moon
Let’s stay up

(Hot knives – Bright Eyes)

It always gets worse when I have too much time to think about things. The greatest fear I had when me and my ex broke up was to be alone, to be left over and to stay that way throughout life. I’ve realised nothing much has changed since then, it’s still what I fear most, and that’s probably why I’m having this difficulty adjusting to things. Even after talking to R for half an hour on the phone the other day, hanging up felt like being strangled. He was happy to talk to me, to possibly see me in the end of summer but still, it wasn’t enough. (more…)

It’s dark in my room but I can still see your eyes; a bit dimmed yet focused on me. The lit candles are playing against the walls, creating a dreamlike scene climbing up and down against the ceiling; playfully chasing eachother. The ground has disappeared under our feet a long time ago like so many times before and it’s not scaring us anymore; we welcome it as a part of who we are together; formed into a natural entity by faith who made us cross paths. You’re like clay in my hands and I’ve got the power to take your breath away again and again, but I’ll keep you on a leash for a little bit longer. I can’t get enough of seeing us this way; made into one where words are unnecessary, in our own universe where no one can reach us. (more…)

Stop lying to yourself girl. You know and everyone reading this stupid blog knows it too. There’s only one reason you want to go to Australia and the reason begins with an R. Damn right, I should stop pretending because clearly it’s no use. The game is on, and until one of us says it’s enough we’ll keep on doing this, I see no other way out. Me, I’m not going to stop, I don’t want to because I want to find out once and for all what we’re all about. It couldn’t been for nothing that he fell on my head and struck me so hard. It couldn’t be for nothing I turned his promise to himself about not getting involved with anyone before he left into nothing. No. There’s something more to this and I will keep on digging until I find the answer. (more…)

Time to realise he won’t be back anytime soon to be honest, and it’s time to start the panic I guess. If he thinks I’ll be sat here on my arse waiting and waiting, he’s wrong. I’m going somewhere this autumn, that’s for sure, I just don’t know where to yet. After leaving the therapist this morning I had this weird idea growing in my head, I don’t understand why I always have these things going on in my mind every time I’ve been there. She keeps on mentioning I’m leaving for a big trip this autumn. So the question is; why not make it even bigger and make something real out of it? (more…)

I’m so sick of this at this point. I pulled through and managed to pass my exams only to be hit by a backlash. Ulsters really are back again and I’m not sure I’m puking blood again because of them or because something burst in my empty stomach since I didn’t have anything in there to throw up. I didn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning last night and ended up sleeping til noon. The perfect way of wasting half a day and it always leaves me with a bad conscience. So many things I wanted to do today that just slipped between my fingers again; and I feel so disappointed. (more…)