It arrived today, the letter I’ve been waiting for. Didn’t state much though, only that I’ve been put in queue for an initial examination to see how deep down in shit I am. It’s weird, I haven’t been seeing my therapist in weeks now just waiting for this letter and I’m starting to feel a bit unstable again. Been better with the bad habits, but it’s on my mind all the time. So I started a diet, and at least that’s better than doing the other things I usually do. Yesterday I managed on 200 calories. Well, until someone decided to pour 2 bottles of wine down my throat.
Turns out he’s not coming home soon at all. I still wonder why he told me he was, maybe he was just giving into the moment, maybe feeling part of what’s happening to me and thought what the heck might as well go back to help cleaning up this mess. In next breath 5 days later he’s staying for another 6 months. Sigh. At the same time though I’m not the one to judge seeing I’m a person of a million changes myself. So I guess in a bit I understand him, or at least I keep telling myself that.
Someone came over the other night, someone I haven’t seen in almost 2 years. The day before I had decided to give him the cold hand but after receiving that e-mail I felt like giving into whatever would happen. I knew he was on a mission and that I actually didn’t have any interest in resisting after all. Of course I have to play hard to get to, he doesn’t really need me to flatter his indescribably huge ego. Guess I did anyways, since his mission ended up completed, with, let me call it various results. Men.
My best way of mending is shopping; and I’ve been doing it way too much this month already. I’m planning a vacation to Asia but I still haven’t managed to save a single penny. My therapist blames the disease and I guess I’m buying that; because it’s the perfect excuse. So I’ve spent a fortune on new, hot underwear (why you ask me and I’ll answer I’ve got no damn clue, at least some of it came to use last night), tops and stuff in pretty, light spring colours (be spring NOW damn it), fake tan, haircut and bleach (I’m now a blonde), flowers to my best friend turning 30 today, and of course my passion: shoes. Felt like crying while paying my bills today realising I had much less left than I thought. Not like this was the first time, but at least I feel stupidly attractive again, and what’s wrong with that? Just need to get fit and lose a few and there’ll be no clouds in that sky at least.
Anyways, first free weekend in 7 weeks and I’ve been planning to go home. Of course when I’ve bought my bus tickets I get an offer to head down to Gothenburg this weekend to help building a new concept store for the company I’m working for. Us employees know what that means; free trip, free first class hotel and free drinking. Goddamnit. I could’ve needed that, now I have to wait til May to go off to Oslo instead for the notorious Elbit trade fair of home electronics which will be pretty much the same just without the working part. Just wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same weeks I’ll be in Málaga with uni. Would be precisely my luck.
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
And it hurts with every heartbeat
Today’s soundtrack (fuck you R): With every heartbeat – Kleerup feat. Robyn.
