Bodysnatcher

Be quicker, be stronger; carry the team on your shoulders. Score more goals, cause more havoc, get them out of balance; come on, you can do it. You’re the captain of the team for Christ sake, do it. I can’t, I’m not good enough, I’m not perfect; in fact, I never was good enough. No matter how many times I score in this game, no matter how many times I’ve scored during the whole season. No matter how many awards I’ve won, no matter what they say. I’ll never be good enough. Dad says I can always get better, there’s always some little detail I can practice and correct until I reach perfection. There’s always something. Heads down now, time for face off. There’s still some things left to prove, like always.

What many of my new friends don’t know about me, is this. I don’t know why I rarely talk about it, and most people think I’ve always disliked sports. The truth is, when I was 18, I was one of the most promising players my age where I come from, when it comes to my sport. There were always girls better than me, but still; people interested in the sport usually knew my name as well. I started a bit too late, so I never got to play for the local region team, I was too old, but I made it to the highest series for ladies in Sweden. I was involved in a few games and I practiced with them from time to time as a stand in. I used to practice my sport on an elite level, and yes, it’s kind of hard for me to understand too, knowing where I am now. But still, I did.

My body is still scarred from it, but not as much as my mind. I think the body perspective issues started here, and I’m not quite sure what I can do about it. Any time I look at my body I see the traces from it. In my eyes, my whole body build screams my sport at me and it makes me feel sick. I hate my figure, I hate the forms I’ve preserved from it and it’s then realise no matter how thin I get I will never get a catwalk like body. My silhouette isn’t exactly muscular, but it still has the shapes left from it. I’m firm all over (well, that’s something good at least) and I feel stocky. Boobs? Forget them, sports at a young age did them in. Nothing is perfect, and nothing will ever be.

My therapist once asked me why I don’t work out. I felt like yelling; I know I can’t handle it. Once I get started, I lose control and I would only use it as a punishment for eating too much, but what’s worse is that I’d get more of my old shape back. It wouldn’t be long til I got those muscles back and it would make me feel more like a man than like a woman. I hate it so much but at the same time I’m a bit tempted since I know some things you can do at the gym are really fat burning and effective. Everyone needs exercise, but me, I would lose all control in a couple of weeks, move in there and then when I realise what it did to me I’ll end up feeling even more disgusted by my body. It has both good and bad sides, but for now I’m determined that the bad size would be more, and probably get even more in the end. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? I mean, why not just diet, exercise, lose weight and be happy? Because it’s never that simple; there’ll always be more things to work on and improve, til the day that I die.

He wants me to tell him about this everytime we talk and I can’t help but snap at him after a while. I don’t mean to, but when we finally talk I want to talk about nice and happy stuff. Not this, it’s a drag and I think about it non stop anyways. It gets old. When I had enough the other day I simply told him fine, just ask whatever you want then. Anything, and I’ll answer. Wasn’t as easy then so after a while he gave up. He’s like most people; he doesn’t know much about it so it’s hard to just come up with questions, and I of course knew that. I’m thinking about posting him an e-mail and explain things that way instead. I’m a person of words and normally I like talking about things, I want people to talk about things as well, but some things are best off written. That way I can just put it down, and then forget about it all. Like the things I write here. Like now.

Today’s soundtrack: Unintended - Muse.