Love is a strange thing. It fills you up completely, but at the same time nothing can make you feel more empty. I actually stole that quote from myself, stated in another entry on this blog page. It rings more and more true for each day, for each day that passes by without you here and even though I’m insanely happy about our shared feelings, it brings me down as well. Seems I can never be happy enough right? Seems I can never be satisfied, there’s always a dark cloud or two in my blue sky. I still can’t say I’ve forgotten about the whole idea of letting go, whenever I’m not talking to you or replying your txts, it still feels like the most clever thing to do. The truth is that it seems faith has something else planned out for us, no matter how we puzzle with this between us, it won’t end up the way we want. At least not for another few years. We’re bound to be apart; it seems like destiny.

You’ve got your trip which you don’t know when you will return from, I’ve got two semesters to study abroad, and I’m leaving next summer already. Our time together will be limited no matter when you decide to return. You’re also talking about starting your own education, which seems like the right thing to do, as soon as you make up your mind about what it’s going to be. I know you, you’ll leave me for another city as well, you’ve mentioned it before; you want to move on and leave this place behind like the restless soul you are. This country isn’t that big, but still big enough to make it a problem. Our meetings will be banished to a weekend here and there when we’re able to fit our schedules together. It will be like this for another four or five years. My dear Marissa, you said it so perfectly once; faith is fucking with us.

Things like these are keeping me up at nights; I’m thinking and thinking and no matter how I put it, it seems impossible. I’m stuck in this city for another two and a half years at least. I love this city, and I actually don’t even feel like leaving it, I could live here for good; in this place I finally found that feels like home. This place you don’t even feel like coming home to. You’ll be back just to leave me again, and we’ll keep on being separated. Is someone testing us? To see how much we can endure before we decide it’s no use, before we decide it’s time to give up? I don’t want to give up, even when it seems like it’s the only proper choice we’ve got left. I can’t give up now that you finally admit to yourself what your true feelings are; now that you stopped lying to yourself and accepted facts the way they are. There’s no one else on this planet able to make us feel this way. There’s no use in even looking.

What is love anyways? How strong are the bounds this weird feeling is able to tie between two people? How much can we bear before we give up on love and are we really able to disarm every obstacle coming our way? Are we able to hold eachother’s hands through unstable and vague times to come out as one on the other side of the tunnel? Is there a love big enough, and above all strong enough to survive everything? The logic side of my mind says no, but there’s still a significantly big part of me screaming YES. I just have to believe in it, I just have to find someone strong to lean on, someone unbreakable to be able to carry me through this. Are you that someone to pick me up when I’m stumbling from doubts and when I temporarily give up because I don’t know where we’re able to take it from this? Are you that someone I can put my trust in to fight as hard as I for us to get through this?

Six months from now, or a year from now, you said, could never change what you feel. Years apart would never break us, because there is no one else to take my place. How about me then? There’s no one able to take your place, I know that, but what I’m scared of is me giving up, because I know there’s no way I’ll survive not seeing you for another year. I’m simply not strong enough, I’d perish from longing and heartbreak and you’d have nothing to come back to. I hope you change your mind, I hope, and in a way I know, this tortures you as much as it does me, and that it will make you return. How much more can you take? How many more nights do you want to spend awake, how many more days do you want to spend out in a never ending apple field with your head so full of me it’s threatening to explode? How many more risks are you willing to take to risk losing something we both agreed is bigger than anything else in this world?

You’re the one with a return ticket, you’re the one with our faith in your hands. I’m not sure you’re yet aware you’re holding both our futures in your hands, that you’ve got the key to solution buried deep down in your pocket along with the key to both our hearts. If you’re so sure we’re meant to be together, why do you want to risk losing it or not taking a shot at it? Most important; why are you gambling with our hearts and future? You’re playing like you want to lose us, or like you think it’s not possible to lose. With faith on the other side of the gaming table I’d like you to reconsider though; it’s not just any opponent. It’s one hell of a player, and the higher you play, the bigger the loss. Don’t let it be us.

Today’s soundtrack: Empty room - Sanna Nielsen.

Site Meter

free log