March 24, 2008
Pissing in the wind
Posted by dharcy under Body perspective, Bulimia, Depression, Family, Life, Love, Self esteem, Silly, ThoughtsLately I’ve been thinking a lot about this phenomenon called life quality. Life quality. I guess it’s something that should taste sweet, and not bitter as it does to me. Pretty quickly I come to conclusion that I lack this. The more I read up on what’s happening to me and my body, and the more I stay awake through nights thinking about it I realise life quality is something that doesn’t come easy for most people. It’s something that can probably be defined in billions of different ways; probably as many as there are people in this world and everyone wants different things to achieve quality in their lives. Me, I’m not sure what I need nor want to get there. The only thing I really know is what sort of things around me are turning it into something rather opposite.
I guess what I’m saying is that I know what life quality is not. Right now I’m reading this book about eating disorders and how to get past it, and what it’s done since page 1 is pointing out all the things I’m doing wrong. It’s not like the author is lecturing the reader in any way, it’s more that you as a reader end up lecturing yourself because it doesn’t take long until you realise you’re doing everything the wrong way (it’s probably one of the purposes of the book doh). Life quality isn’t starving, thinking about food constantly or carrying around a swollen and tortured body. My ways of thinking are so caught in this I don’t really know how to function in another way. All I know is that this isn’t a real life, it’s just a false illusion of trying to be someone else. Someone thinner, someone perfect, someone able to manage anything. The only obvious thing in the end of the day though is that every single thing I do makes me less perfect and less able to cope with everything. Harsh conclusion, I tell you.
My life is a lot about control. I think I’m maintaining it most of the time but I couldn’t been more wrong according to this book. Control is the last thing I have, and my living is proving me wrong time after time. So I don’t eat, is that control? So I eat because I can’t say no, is that control? Okay I throw up because I want to, am I in control then? Hardly; that’s my body and my mind controlling me. I starve, that’s my wicked brain, I eat, that’s my rioting body, I throw up, that’s me slapping my body back into place. Control, anyone? I can see where this is heading, and I tell myself I’m controlling this situation while my whole being is laughing back and pointing at me. I’m a fool, and even my own existence knows it. It’s pathetic.
The funniest part is where I trick myself into believing I don’t have a problem. Even though I’ve admitted to myself that I’ve got a neat eating disorder called bulimia with anorectic elements on top of it, I still tell myself I’m fine most of the time. I ignore the obvious facts and tell myself there are people much worse off, which is true, and that I’m just imagining it all. It’s like expecting to wake up tomorrow and everything will be over and that I’ll be healthy without all these twisted body related thoughts and perspectives. It’s strange what lies we’re able to live by just to protect ourselves from the truth. The problem is though; as long as I’m living a lie and believing in it, how the hell am I supposed to recover?
Life quality, huh? I’d still want to know what it could be to some people. When thinking about myself I think if I’d be able to achieve my kind of quality it would include two things that are important to me. Apart from getting well from this illness holding me in its firm grip, it would be being able to hold on to the love of my life (who ever that turns out to be) and have two beautiful kids. Oh, and enjoy my future work as a teacher. That’s three. Do you think I’m ironic? If you do, I’d hate to disappoint you. These things may sound simple and lame, but at the age of (almost) 27 I’ve changed perspective a few times and for each year passing by this appears to become more and more important to me. Dharcy, throphy wife and soccer mum. I can’t wait. I just need to find/keep that trophy husband.
Today’s soundtrack: Frequent flyer - A Camp.
5 Responses to “Pissing in the wind”
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March 24, 2008 at 3:47 pm
When I read this I thought of my own battle with addiction, and could draw parallels to some of the ways you described you’re feeling. “Life Quality” is a new one on me. Sounds like a buzzword some life coach made up when they were bored. When I think of quality of life I think about my immediate needs and how those are being met. Since I have plenty of food, water, and a roof over my quality of life would be perceived by others in third world countries as ‘fantastic’
The perception of quality is all in the head. An H2 driving soccer mom that is taken care of by her husband sees quality of life MUCH differently than the starving millions, so the notion of quality is what should be taken with a grain of salt.
Be careful hinging your own happiness in life on external things like husbands, kids, cars, trophies. Sometimes plans for the future don’t work out like we thought, or at all. We need to be happy with ourselves in life regardless of what tomorrow may bring.
March 24, 2008 at 10:15 pm
First; thank you for stopping by and taking time reading my entry. It’s always nice to hear from new people on here
Secondly, about trying to find happiness from the inside, I guess that’s a bit what I’m trying to do, even though it may not have been very obvious in this entry. The thing is facing what I am right now, sort of relies on me to find qualities in interior things, instead of exterior.
On the other hand what I really long for at times is peace of mind and just those simple things in life that can make me feel secure. A family. That’s something I think about a lot and something I guess I’m trying to say that I’m longing for. Something stable, and some solid ground where I can finally rest my mind from all of these other things cluttering my mind at the moment.
You may find it simple, and I do too at times, but on the other end… I don’t know. I’m just blathering on like usual
Thanks for your input nonetheless!
/dharcy.
March 24, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Ah, well. You really seem like you are turning on the right lights for yourself. Finding those switches is an accomplishment on its own :]
March 25, 2008 at 2:01 am
Dharcy,
I was trying to formulate an intelligent, well thought out, supportive comment. My mind is not cooperating. Suffice it to say, you are in my thoughts and I know you can overcome this. You can have that happy life you envision. Keep working at it. Remember you are a wonderful person that means a lot to a lot of people, even if you don’t realize the impact you’ve had on their lives. Stay strong.
Much love,
Marissa
March 25, 2008 at 11:35 pm
avid mass: Someone close to me often says “good things are worth waiting for” and I guess he’s right. I guess my time will come. Just waiting for the same clever guy to return and things will seem a bit more back on track at least
marissa: You don’t have to say intelligent and well thought out things all the time, you’re supportive just by stopping by with an input. You’re a wonderful person as well, I just hope you’ll find someone worthy of you and someone who has the brains to realise one day. Thank you for being a friend, always.
hugs and kisses,
dharcy.