Leftovers of the night

I haven’t been writing lately because my head is spinning from all kinds of things happening lately, way back and right now. I’ll have to admit that I’m lost and that I don’t know where I’m going from here. Everything lacks a purpose, everything lacks meaning and reason. It’s like I’m just floating along waiting for something to burst for good so I can just give up. Giving up. In many ways I’m already there. I’m tired of standing up, I’m tired of fighting something that just won’t go away; I’m tired of this never-ending battle that’s just lining up round after round. I’m out of breath.

You’re beautiful, do you know that? And your smile. You should smile more often, you light up the room and make everything just disappear til there’s only you left. I wish I was like that, I wish I had your smile and your spark. You’ve got two kinds of smiles, did you know that? Of course you don’t know, but I’ll tell you about them. One of them, is all fake. It’s the one you give most people most of the time. Your lips may be drawn a bit, and you might laugh, but it’s easy to see through. It’s your eyes, they’re not following. But when you smile that real smile, your eyes get small til you can hardly see them anymore and then you shine and there’s only you to fill up everything. I envy that. It’s magic.

People around me stopped making sense a long time ago, but I always thought I knew you. I thought I’d seen through that phasade of yours, the one you keep up most of the time, but not when we’re alone. People tell me about you and it’s like they’re talking about someone else. You were never that kind of person around me; from day one you were someone I admired for the honesty and the straight forwardness you always showed me. When people describe you it’s like they’re talking about a ghost. I don’t know that kind of you, I never saw him. By knowing this, everything you’ve ever told me fell flat to the ground; I don’t know how to still believe in the things you’ve told me. You’re someone else now; someone I don’t know. Someone I’m not sure I trust. It’s like you’ve disappeared and I’m left alone again. You magically vanished off the face of Earth and this time around I’m not sure how to bring you back.

You deserve better; knowing what he’s done to you and what he is like is making me sick. I can’t stand him, to be honest; he’s doing my head in by the way he is. Blue-eyed, that’s what you are. I don’t understand how someone like you, smart, can be so obviously stupid and believe in things he says. You’re being fooled, can’t you see? You’re too kind, you let him have his ways and he’s not good enough. He’ll hurt you, and I think you know it, you’re just too afraid to realise. When I found out what he did to you behind your back I felt like killing him. I know I don’t show it a lot, and I know there are few people I really care about and I think you know that; but you’ve become one of them. I only want you to have the best there is. I just wish you knew how special you are.

There’s something else haunting my mind too, something I’m not sure of and something I probably deserve. It wasn’t enough I’ve been a murderer once without realising; facts might have it that I will be again, but on purpose this time. The problem is that suffering that kind of loss once broke me, and I’m not sure what it will do to me this time if it happens to be true. I’m out of air and I’m choking on my own breath by now. I try so hard to be positive, to stay alive but there’s always something punching me back into place where I belong. At this point I’ve come to conclusion that I’m not sure I’m fixable anymore. It may be too late for everything, too late to get back on track. It’s so much easier just to give up. Being swept away by the tide and let the waves and currents take me for good so I can slowly drown in myself and what I’ve done over the past few years. I’m all out of strength to carry on.

I don’t even know why it means so much to me, but somewhere deep down it feels like I’m only staying alive to see your face again. Other than that, I don’t see any reason to carry on. Everything is lost.

Today’s soundtrack: Song for the leftovers - A Camp.