I’m surprisingly calm at the moment. I know I shouldn’t be, I should be shredding curtains, smashing porcelain against walls and yelling my lungs out, but I’m not. Maybe it is because deep down I knew it, I don’t know. The thought of it before used to put me in a state of complete apathy and numbness but I’ve swallowed that this time. It must be because you told me straight and not to other people for me to hear from them. Another year. These 7 months went by quickly, even though everything I said and did was tinted by your smile and my longing.

You’re stronger than me though, your belief in that things will turn out okay is pretty much mind-wrecking at times. Me, all I can think of is us back together again doing things normal couples do. We’re not a normal couple though, we’re even too afraid to spit the word out to put that label upon us when we know everything said and done on both our parts could break us apart or keep us together forever. I’m trying to figure out what I fear the most; not seeing you for another year or losing you for good. No matter how I twist and turn the image of me on my own or the one with us as one, I think I can’t deny that one year without you is less torturing. Put in context one year or a life time, or the difference between them, it becomes clearer. I know what I don’t want at least; and it’s spending the rest of my life without you. When I put it like that in my head, one year suddenly is nothing.

I’m feeling like an idiot for not having trust and belief in us in general, and there you are on the other side of the world, obviously broken over it, still stubborn though, but still able to say the things you do. You must hear it in my voice, that I’m stupidly happy and heartbroken at the same time. It takes some time to get used to someone claiming to feel these things for you, yet decided to do what you’re doing right now. I’d be lying if I said I don’t understand you though, and I do. You’re doing what I dreamed about but didn’t do. I put everything into my relationship with my ex and I put my dreams aside. Now I know it was for nothing, but back in the days there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and so I let it all slip away. I put him first and me second and here I am today; bitter, annoyed and feeling fucked over.

Facts remain though; if I’d lived those dreams back then, I wouldn’t have been where I am now. I’d been somewhere else and most likely someone else too. It doesn’t take a master mind to realise that living my dreams 7 years ago would’ve meant never meeting you. So I put those dreams on ice for a while and I tell you I’ll live them, taking a year off from uni or simply after I graduated. I’ll do it, because I want to see the world too, and my dreams go further than two weeks in Málaga, Spain. They go around the globe to Asia, Australia, New Zealand and Central and South America. Travelling is in my blood, and it’s always been. I just let myself down in that matter too many times.

If you’d been someone else I’d never let you have your way like this. I think you need what you’re doing right now though, and you need to take the time you need. Me of everyone, I know what doing what you want to do means; I’ve done it myself when it comes to other things and if this is what you have to do, all I can do is wait until you’re done with it. I won’t give ultimatums or beg you to come home, I told you it’s not what I do, because in my eyes it would be wrong. We knew what we had on our hands when we started this, we knew but we still threw ourselves into it. Now we live with it.

As long as we agree with eachother what this is all about I guess the problems get smaller. Some things I’ve been afraid to tell you because even in my head they sound silly, even so it felt good to finally let them out and tell you what I really feel deep down. If I had the choice to chose from anyone, anywhere here and now I know there wouldn’t be any doubt of who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it is because I’ve had and lost something that meant the world to me once already or maybe I’ve met and known more people to be sure what I’m searching for. No matter what, the picture gets clearer every day and the only one I see in my future is you. There will be a hell of a road to get there with our colliding lives, but the more I think of it, the more I’m willing to pay the price. It felt good to know our thoughts are moving in the same direction even when our lives aren’t. You said you felt the same and that you’ve felt it all the time. Funny what important things we hide away from eachother at times.

The only problem left then is me, or the mess I am when it comes to other things. Maybe another year on my own will sort things out, instead of pushing them ahead of me. In other words this means a year of trying to get well. Even though I’d die for having you here holding me and telling me everything’s going to be okay rather than talking on the phone once a week, I guess this is my chance to come back to reality and get out of this as a whole person. The last thing you need is a nutter running around with sheets around her neck at a hostel trying to find something steady enough to hang herself from. I’m glad no one will ever tell you that part of my staying in Spain.

Today’s soundtrack: Perdido sin ti - Ricky Martin.

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