I wonder when those people will realise they’re wrong. They think they’ve got it all figured out and this is something that will pass with the proper treatment or actually lack of treatment. No tests they’re running are showing anything; and all I want to do is yell back at them to run the right tests instead. But I can’t and I won’t, because they’re not interested. They’re only interested in body parts they can fix, and my mind isn’t included. My mind is for other people to fix, but I’m still waiting for that letter of relief to show up. Still nothing.
Two times in the hospital in two weeks are two times too many. People searching for infections in my body when I’m pretty sure there’s none to be found. It’s what I’m doing to myself that is the problem, it’s why my stomach is bleeding from the inside and it’s why I at times suffer such gut pains cutting through my body keeping me from doing anything else but screaming and crying from torment. I doubt it would hurt more to fetch the biggest kitchen knife to slice my belly open. The only positive thing really is that when this happens I manage to keep my thoughts off you for a few hours, and the mental pain is replaced by physical. Sometimes, in a way, that’s actually a relief in itself.
The only thing they came to conclusion about while running tests is the fact that my body started breaking itself down and is now running on reserves of fat, protein and carbohydrates; meaning that I’m undernourished. What’s new really, but since it’s not showing on the outside no one ever reflects over the possibility. People who knew me before this would probably notice changes in my temper and such but other than that no trace of it is to be found. That way I can continue pretending everything is fine; fooling both myself and my surroundings. It’s not all that bad though; it’s allowing me to be someone else.
Short entry today, I’m not really sure where I’ve got myself at the moment, and even though I’m full of words and thoughts, I’ve yet to find a way to put them before I post them on here. Many thoughts about who I am in my head right now, and once again I’m not sure. I think I know who I want to be, but the path there is blurred out again and without you I think I have to come up with a new plan to carry on. It’s just harder than I thought, since carving you out of my life is also carving out everything I used to believe in, shatter it to pieces and then start over. I just don’t quite know where to start and where to take it from here, since all that’s on my mind 24/7 is breaking free from everything and just get on that plane to Perth.
Today’s soundtrack: Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley.
