So Penny finally found her Desmond and Desmond’s longing and waiting for years ended. Love always wins in movies and fairytales always have happy endings; and maybe they’re all made up to keep us believing that faith necessarily isn’t always fucking with us, it’s just keeping us on a very long leash. After cruising seas for ages, she finally found what she was searching for, and as I was crying my eyes out in front of the tv set, I couldn’t help but wondering when my longing and waiting will be over. Me, I’m both Penny and Desmond forged into one. I’m both searching and waiting at the same time.
I’ve been blogging for a year now, and I published almost 200 entries. When I started this, I had no idea that I had so much to say, so many thoughts in my head and so much to put down in words to be able to deal with it. I haven’t been posting much lately, simply because the thoughts have been overwhelming me. I’m fighting an identity war to find out who I want to be and where I’m going from here, and it hasn’t been easy. I still don’t know, but some things are becoming clearer with time; and when it comes to certain things I think it’s time I start listening to my heart. Because right now I think it’s the only part of my body that’s still functioning properly, and the only voice around me speaking clear. I let the rest fade out and I listen harder to that inner cry and with some things I now know what I have to do. I have to find out what I’m doing with all these feelings of love for someone I just can’t get out of my head.
On the other hand, if we forget about Penny and Desmond, there’s also Kate and Jack, or actually Kate, Jack and Sawyer. Sawyer will always haunt them both in the shadows of their minds, and Jack keeps fucking up. Back in reality he finally got what he wanted so badly, only to waste it, from what we know, beyond repair. Here, at my end of the world, you could almost believe I’m doing all in my powers to ruin things as well, because things would be ruined if he knew. I don’t know who to blame really, me or destiny, or my mum or my past, for craving so desperately for someone to see me, for someone to hold me that I sometimes make silly mistakes. All it really takes are the right words to speak to my vanity, my illness and my low self esteem and there you go; me served on a silver plate without my clothes on. I should be ashamed, yet I’m not. I don’t even have the decency to be anymore.
At the same time it feels like everything’s already lost. It’s like you died and I’ll never see you again. I think I’ve mourned you like you died as well, and sometimes it even feels like I’ve mourned you for so long that I’m getting over you and starting to accept that you’re gone. When I saw you drive off on that last day a part of me died, and maybe too much damage was done already then to ever be repaired, or maybe you started the suffocating of me two weeks earlier as you decided to break up just to be back one week later crying like a baby. I don’t know. Sun lost Jin, he died and we’ve known that for a while now, but Sun still had his baby growing in her womb. What’s still growing inside of me I’ve yet to find out, but even though it’s nothing of flesh and blood, it’s growing bigger and bigger for each day. Maybe faith has something bigger incoming for me than cutting myself open with that kitchen knife; maybe I just have to be patient and wait even when darker clouds are hanging over my head.
Maybe I’m just like Desmond after all, or maybe I have to be Penny to never give up until I see you again.
Today’s soundtrack: All mixed up - Red House Painters.
