There is a light that never goes out

My life and my emotions are a never ending roller coaster, I’m sure you frequent readers have come to that conclusion by now. It has even gotten to a point where I can wonder myself what’s around the next corner, because I seldom know. I tend to change like by the flip of a coin, and sometimes it doesn’t take much for it to happen at all. Just some of me being unsure of myself mixed with some encouraging words of a friend or someone else, and off I go, turning around 180 degrees.

My angry, sour, fuck off and stay gone txt never reached him. Sometimes even I am lucky, there must be some power out there wanting me, and us, succeed with this even when everything seems to be going straigh to hell. I’ve been thinking a lot this week about listening to my heart and that kind of stuff, and I guess it comes easy for some people, but I find it a bit hard to give in to that at times, simply because I think I can fail. But if you never try, you don’t know, right? So I’ve been thinking myself dizzy when it comes to us to try to understand what I have to d. It was actually my dad who made me make up my mind. He said Just go, just do it, no reason to hesitate, and it must have been somewhere around that I understood.

We finally got hold of eachother after two weeks silence because of you being out somewhere in complete wilderness. To be honest I think the time you spend out in that nowhere at all is doing you good, because you seem to come a little further with your feelings for each time. You’re always facing me with new courage and belief in us each time we speak and at times it leaves me speechless. I wish I was the same as you, but I’m stuck here with doubts and paranoia in between our calls and it’s only when we’re talking I can allow myself to believe fully in us.

The surprise in your voice as I broke the news about my plan is making me smile still. And then, how you started to plan our reunion in the next breath, just as soon as you realised I wasn’t joking, it made me love you even more. It’s just how you are, the passion in the things you do; it’s something I’ve always admired and it’s part of why I know I can never get enough of you. Only you can make me feel this way and while being angry and disappointed in you I’ve come to understand that despite feeling like that at times, I know that no matter for how long I search the world for someone to replace you, there will never be a match. Believe me, I’ve looked for almost eight months for a pain kill and a friend to help me forget you. It’s pointless.

Two more months then, and we’ll meet again for the first time in ten months, and it feels unreal. It feels crazy and it feels like a dream but it’s true. When all was said and done, I knew that this is the only right thing to do, my heart has been yelling at me for the whole week and it’s time I just shut up and listen. Suddenly I had the money in my hands and why shouldn’t I invest it in my heart, my healing procedure and in what means more than anything to me; us? Why would that be so wrong and why would I even hesitate? There’s no reasoning in it, it’s just plain stupidity. Why keep us separated for another year when there’s no use? When we at least have the chance to spend some weeks together before the next semester in uni starts? I won’t this time.

So angel, first thing Monday morning I’m booking and paying for that ticket to Perth. I will arrive there in the middle of august and I will take my bags and drag them further up to Darwin. And yes you can do whatever you want with me, let it be that road trip together you talked about, swimming with sharks and dolphins or just laying awake all nights talking and talking til our heads hurt. As long as I can hold you again and tell you face to face that you are my everything, I don’t care where we end up or how. Nothing else matters. I’m yours and you’re mine, and it’s all that really matters. It will the best part of your trip, you said, the best thing that could ever happen. I know your trip means a lot to you so I know which impact this will have on you. Me, I’m not sure I will ever be able to top this for as long as I live. This time though, I finally believed you when you told me that this is destiny, that we’re meant to be together and that we’ll manage anything. With your words in my ears, it’s actually impossible to think we’ll fail; this is it.

Today’s soundtrack: Om du lämnade mig nu – Lars Winnerbäck & Miss Li.