So. I’ve aged another year again and I wonder what it is with time and years keeping coming and coming but they never leave. At times I want to buy a time machine and travel back in time to undo those mistakes and regrets I now live with, but I guess doing so would take away many things I love as well. So I’ve come to conclusion that even when time flies, there’s usually something good coming out of it, and when those bad things happen we always manage to cope in some miraculous way. What can I say? I’m still here even though I’m struggling quite hard to give up at times, but I’ve yet to reach that point when I stop breathing. I still haven’t.
I really can’t help but disliking having my birthday though. What’s nice anyhow, is that my mum didn’t call today, which for some would seem weird, but for me her not calling me felt like a relief. You see my mum is a bit special and she thinks she already did enough for me so she probably thinks she shouldn’t. Other than that she may still be angry with me for being too sick to manage to get out of bed to send her a silly txt on her own birthday two weeks ago. I can hardly believe she turned 52 this year, because it rather seem like 12. It will come a day when I finally gather the guts to break up with my mum for good, I just wonder when.
It’s been a pretty good day efter all, despite turning 27. I always say age is just a number, but it’s quite scaring seeing it increase every year. 27. How the hell did that happen? I don’t know, but I do know that I still got so many things left that I want to do and in order to be able to do all that, I should really be 21 something, not this old. I spent my day at work, and it’s usually there I want to spend it every year. It gives me something else to think about instead of figures and numbers and the day passes by without even being noticed much. Today though I got the most precious birthday gift in years; a call from down under to keep me smiling for the rest of the day like a fool.
I heard him sing happy birthday standing in a public phone booth and once again I could feel myself falling even harder. It’s like this is turning into a fairytale instead of the melancholic drama it’s been for a long time. It feels like we’re finally sailing this ship in the right direction and instead of the sunset we’re cruising for the sunrise to start anew tomorrow, together, where doubts no longer exist and ahead of us there’s only laughter, happiness and a bright future where we can build something that will last forever. I don’t know what it is that makes me feel this way about you, I don’t know what makes me love you so truly, madly and deeply that I don’t think anything can ever change it.
I don’t know what it is that makes me come back for more and more those times I feel like you betrayed me or left me behind and I definitely don’t know what it is that’s making me believe in this more and more as time passes by. When you left in October I was shocked about my own feelings, because I had loved my ex in a way I thought I was never going to feel again, and there you were in front of me and I realised that this was so much bigger already when you left. I didn’t think I could love you more than I did back then on that sunny autumn day as we held eachother close and said our goodbyes, but time has proved me very wrong. Here I am today, more in love than ever and in a way that’s scaring me at times. Because if I’ll have to live to lose you, I simply don’t know what I’d do.
For last I’d like to tell some of my best friends, especially Erica, Nennie and L-H for being around both close and on a distance to help me keep my head above the surface when storms are hanging over the inner seas of me. For being rock steady shelters to hide under and firm, determined hands to hold on to when I think everything is lost. You’ve meant so much to me this past year. And Linda, I don’t think I can ever tell you how big and dark that black hole inside of me is for missing you so much every day. I love you all with every piece of my silly little heart.
Today’s soundtrack: Dry – PJ Harvey.
