I’m doing it again, running in circles and returning to bad habits I’ve kept myself from for weeks now. Well, starving has been there all the time but I’ve stayed off that bathroom floor at least. But there’s always something or someone there to make you stumble and fall back into that place where you think you belong. For me that place is a prison where I’m not good enough for him, for myself or for anyone.
She’s doing it again, and I knew she was up to something. For the past week she’s taken advantage of every single opportunity to suck up to me and it didn’t take long before I realised there was something going on, although I wasn’t sure of what. I still don’t know, but now I know it’s come to her knowledge that I’m going away to see R in August and when I asked her she was fine with it. She was actually fine with everything I asked her about when it comes to the relationship between me and R, and she swore it had been okay since we had our last talk in January. I knew that was a lie because I know what’s been said and done behind my back since then, but I pretended to not know. A day later, today, I learned that it was all lies again and that her reaction when she heard I was going down there wasn’t even of this world.
I don’t like to tell on people but in this case I simply don’t know what to do. In one way I want R to find out for himself but on the other hand when he asks me about things between me and her I often end up crying because I’m sick and tired of fighting a war I don’t even know when it started or what it is about. My theory, and many others’ with me, is that she’s secretly in love with him and it seems more and more like a fact for each day that passes by. The problem though is that she probably won’t even admit it to herself. I torture myself over the things she says and does and i think R is starting to figure that out. I think so because of a few things he’s said and if I was her I’d be backing down for a bit, because she has everything to lose. She’s digging her own grave without realising because his patience with her is starting to run out. I also know that if something happened to me because of her, she’d never be forgiven. I don’t think she realises she’s gambling with her friendship with him, the one she claims to mean the world to her. Some people are blinded by their own stupidity and selfishness; I hope I never end up like that.
Working streak is almost done this time, and I’ll soon be enjoying four days off, including midsummer. What’s happening on Midsummer’s Eve I don’t quite know yet, and I couldn’t really care less either because it’s just one day among many others. I’m only waiting for days to pass so it can be the 16th of August so I can take off and leave this place behind for a while.
Today’s soundtrack: A minor incident – Badly Drawn Boy.
