The moist heat of your town hits me like a sledgehammer as I’m stepping off the aircraft and I can’t really relate to it all being real yet. The pattern on the floor is green and harbours a whole forest of branches and weird figures, and in many ways that pattern describes my own mixed feelings as well. My anxiety, my longing, my hopes and the way I’ve been living for so long now. I can feel time stopping, and it’s like I’m the only one moving at a normal pace. Balloons of different colours for someone returning home, children waiting for their mum or perhaps their dad are all moving in slow motion. There’s a light in the crowd down stairs though, I can see it from afar. It’s coming against me and some seconds later I’m feeling a warmth I’ve been missing against my skin like a sunburn.
I didn’t quite know where I was supposed to look when I put my feet back on the ground after another four hours in the air. I knew you’d be somewhere close to me, closer than you’d been for the last ten months and frankly, I felt like digging a hole right there and disappear. So close to something I’d been wanting for so long that it was both a dream coming true, as well as a nightmare at the same time because finding something also means you’re able to lose it and never have it back. I knew I had to head down to the entrance floor and for the first time in a year I found myself hesitating. There was something about your smile when I spotted you though; when I finally allowed myself to take my eyes off the floor and look for you instead. That smile that I’d kept dreaming about seeing again for so long that once I did, it didn’t feel real. When I laid my eyes on you then, in the real, real world, I think I understood that I wasn’t alone in all this.
I think I could live like this forever; just me, you and the endless road to nowhere particular. It took me 27 years to realise what I need, and fancy cars, titles, money don’t mean anything to me. I’m walking behind you while I’m swaggering a bit to keep myself steady under my heavy backpack trying to avoid colliding with people as I’m looking to the blue skies above us. It feels unreal, I’ve been dreaming about leaving everything and just do this for ages but I never found the courage. We spend the next day on the beach, knowing it will all end soon, as we’re leaving this paradise behind for this time. My heart stops when you turn around, letting off a happy sigh as you tell me you’re so lucky to have me. I want to tell you that you’re my everything, but I can’t, because the fear of losing you just by being me is consuming and I can’t get rid of it.
I think I wasn’t afraid of going home, not as afraid as I thought I’d be. You would think that after having been through what we have, there should be a strange feeling about being apart again. The thing is, for the first time ever I was sure we’d be able to manage anything. If you stayed gone for another 6 months, I know it would be lonely, but I’d be able to endure it as I knew what wonderful times were ahead of us once we managed being separated for this long. I had your smile etched on the inside of my eyelids as I sat on 3 different planes on my way back home, and I cried too, but in a way I think those tears were of happiness. I had travelled across the globe, I had found you, and I had held you again. I was feeling strong and weak at the same time. Strong because I didn’t have any doubts anymore, but weak because I couldn’t follow that inner voice telling me to stay with you. But I was happy. Happier than I’d ever been.
This is odd, I can’t breathe and it’s you doing this to me again. Without a sound, without a word you’re leaving me breathless and all I can feel are walls tumbling in. Again. It’s been a year but you still have the power to make my world cave, and here I’m sat, hiding at work with these annoying tears I just can’t stop falling. I don’t know what you’re up to, I don’t know what you feel; all I know is that something has changed. Just out of the blue, hence all the things you told me just a few weeks ago. Have you been overwhelmed again and gotten cold feet? Or are you acting like this just because you know I’ll always be on my knees for you to have your mind change whenever it fits you? I can’t blame you either, because I know I ain’t easy to bear. Even so, you promised. You promised me you’d always be there for me, for good and for bad; but most important; you promised me you’d never deliver such a crushing blow again. You said it must be faith, but tell me then, why am I fumbling in a never ending dark night again, why am I here feeling this miserable when all you said you needed was me? This can’t be real; not once again.
Today’s soundtrack: The most radical thing to do – The Ark.
