Your lips taste of poison

I’m doing it again, running in circles and returning to bad habits I’ve kept myself from for weeks now. Well, starving has been there all the time but I’ve stayed off that bathroom floor at least. But there’s always something or someone there to make you stumble and fall back into that place where you think you belong. For me that place is a prison where I’m not good enough for him, for myself or for anyone.

 

Jigsaw falling into place, part II

So. I’ve aged another year again and I wonder what it is with time and years keeping coming and coming but they never leave. At times I want to buy a time machine and travel back in time to undo those mistakes and regrets I now live with, but I guess doing so would take away many things I love as well. So I’ve come to conclusion that even when time flies, there’s usually something good coming out of it, and when those bad things happen we always manage to cope in some miraculous way. What can I say? I’m still here even though I’m struggling quite hard to give up at times, but I’ve yet to reach that point when I stop breathing. I still haven’t.

 

Blacklisted

I hate myself for letting her get to me; but on the other hand I must be an easy target. I once asked her why she wanted to rob me off something that means the world to me, but she had no answer. It would be much easier if she was being the devil she is straight to my face, instead of behind my back. I can handle people being mean, vicious or bitches around me, I’m a grown up, but what I can’t handle is people being all that when I’m not around and when I am, they’re sweet as sugar. She’s helpful, she listens, she’s actually all that; except when I turn around and leave. I don’t get it, I wish she had more courage to just face me in this and say what she wants to me and not to everyone else.

 

Carving stone

I like waking up to the sound of my mobile phone going off, announcing I just received a txt. Of course I know when I get them at strange hours like 2 in the middle of the night or 5 in the morning, they’re from somewhere far off and my eyes open up wide no matter how tired I am. I got one of those this morning and I went back to sleep with a smile on my face.

 

Cruel twist of faith

What would you do if you came across a secret so terrible it would tear a family apart? A secret so cruel it would destroy one of those people meaning more to you than your own life and happiness? I don’t know, and it leaves me crushed. She deserves the best in life and right now it’s like it’s in my hands. I’m not God, I don’t want to have to chose right from wrong, but it seems faith placed this in my hands and I’ve got to do something about it. Even if it means she might hate me for the rest of her life. I’m an atheist but right now I find myself praying to unknown gods to give me strength. My mind is shattered. My sweet, beloved friend, I wish I knew what you’d done for me in my place.

 

Still I’m dying with every step I take

It arrived today, the letter I’ve been waiting for. Didn’t state much though, only that I’ve been put in queue for an initial examination to see how deep down in shit I am. It’s weird, I haven’t been seeing my therapist in weeks now just waiting for this letter and I’m starting to feel a bit unstable again. Been better with the bad habits, but it’s on my mind all the time. So I started a diet, and at least that’s better than doing the other things I usually do. Yesterday I managed on 200 calories. Well, until someone decided to pour 2 bottles of wine down my throat.

 

I flip a coin to see if you still care tonight

 

Lovers are lonely

I’m a lucky girl. Despite all the things I complain about on this stupid blog page, I’m very lucky. I wake up every day and I surround myself with sweet, loving friends and I’ve got a job that I love. I complain about work too, sometimes, but I could never deny the fact that I really like spending time there. Maybe a bit too much for my own good, at times. I’m also studying to become a teacher; my dream profession, or simply what I was born to be. Teacher. It took me quite a few years to realise but I never wanted to turn back after I finally made up my mind. I’m lucky in many things; my life is actually great. I even started over in new cities twice; and for one and a half year now I’ve been living here in this town where I finally feel at home. Lucky. That’s me.

 

My beloved monster

I have to admit that since I started seeing a therapist I haven’t been crying as much. Not sure why, it’s just like she planted this barrier inside me, and once it’s down I guess there will be no way to stop it. If I can’t keep my face until all this has gone away for good. Next confession though is I think I did something that resembled crying tonight. I’ve been working all day and things were fine, I managed to keep myself busy all day at work. I even went off to my landlord and cancelled the contract for my apartment so I can move out in May. I kept myself going all day because I knew the shortest pause would get me off track.

 

Jigsaw falling into place

Stop lying to yourself girl. You know and everyone reading this stupid blog knows it too. There’s only one reason you want to go to Australia and the reason begins with an R. Damn right, I should stop pretending because clearly it’s no use. The game is on, and until one of us says it’s enough we’ll keep on doing this, I see no other way out. Me, I’m not going to stop, I don’t want to because I want to find out once and for all what we’re all about. It couldn’t been for nothing that he fell on my head and struck me so hard. It couldn’t be for nothing I turned his promise to himself about not getting involved with anyone before he left into nothing. No. There’s something more to this and I will keep on digging until I find the answer.