You leave me dry

The moist heat of your town hits me like a sledgehammer as I’m stepping off the aircraft and I can’t really relate to it all being real yet. The pattern on the floor is green and harbours a whole forest of branches and weird figures, and in many ways that pattern describes my own mixed feelings as well. My anxiety, my longing, my hopes and the way I’ve been living for so long now. I can feel time stopping, and it’s like I’m the only one moving at a normal pace. Balloons of different colours for someone returning home, children waiting for their mum or perhaps their dad are all moving in slow motion. There’s a light in the crowd down stairs though, I can see it from afar. It’s coming against me and some seconds later I’m feeling a warmth I’ve been missing against my skin like a sunburn.

 

Your lips taste of poison

I’m doing it again, running in circles and returning to bad habits I’ve kept myself from for weeks now. Well, starving has been there all the time but I’ve stayed off that bathroom floor at least. But there’s always something or someone there to make you stumble and fall back into that place where you think you belong. For me that place is a prison where I’m not good enough for him, for myself or for anyone.

 

Jigsaw falling into place, part II

So. I’ve aged another year again and I wonder what it is with time and years keeping coming and coming but they never leave. At times I want to buy a time machine and travel back in time to undo those mistakes and regrets I now live with, but I guess doing so would take away many things I love as well. So I’ve come to conclusion that even when time flies, there’s usually something good coming out of it, and when those bad things happen we always manage to cope in some miraculous way. What can I say? I’m still here even though I’m struggling quite hard to give up at times, but I’ve yet to reach that point when I stop breathing. I still haven’t.

 

Heartbeats

Everything is just insane at the moment, I can’t believe it’s actually happening; what I thought I’d never be able to put together and above all have enough cash to do. As I read my credit card number out loud to the travel agent it felt like the ground was shivering and I wondered how I managed to even keep my voice steady. When I hung up I had to sit down for a bit to take in what I had actually done and when the first feelings of shock had settled I realised it was for real and I couldn’t stop smiling.

 

There is a light that never goes out

My life and my emotions are a never ending roller coaster, I’m sure you frequent readers have come to that conclusion by now. It has even gotten to a point where I can wonder myself what’s around the next corner, because I seldom know. I tend to change like by the flip of a coin, and sometimes it doesn’t take much for it to happen at all. Just some of me being unsure of myself mixed with some encouraging words of a friend or someone else, and off I go, turning around 180 degrees.

 

All mixed up

So Penny finally found her Desmond and Desmond’s longing and waiting for years ended. Love always wins in movies and fairytales always have happy endings; and maybe they’re all made up to keep us believing that faith necessarily isn’t always fucking with us, it’s just keeping us on a very long leash. After cruising seas for ages, she finally found what she was searching for, and as I was crying my eyes out in front of the tv set, I couldn’t help but wondering when my longing and waiting will be over. Me, I’m both Penny and Desmond forged into one. I’m both searching and waiting at the same time.

 

Amarte es todo

I wonder when those people will realise they’re wrong. They think they’ve got it all figured out and this is something that will pass with the proper treatment or actually lack of treatment. No tests they’re running are showing anything; and all I want to do is yell back at them to run the right tests instead. But I can’t and I won’t, because they’re not interested. They’re only interested in body parts they can fix, and my mind isn’t included. My mind is for other people to fix, but I’m still waiting for that letter of relief to show up. Still nothing.

 

No love, no glory, no hero in her sky

With the evening sun on his back and the ocean calm and silent behind him, he’s rising tall and secure in front of me. I take in everything I see; his silhouette, his hair, his sun tanned skin and the crooked smile on his face. It’s all I really see, the back light is stealing away most of his facial features and I can’t see his eyes. But he’s there and I know who he is, I’ve always known and the image has been following me since I was a little girl. The one; I caught a glimpse once and years and years later I’m able to recall that long lost memory I haven’t thought about for ages. Suddenly everything fell into place; and so I tricked myself into believing we shared something special and that I could finally rest myself in the safe arms of destiny.

 

Amame por las calles perdidas de mi vida

I’m surprisingly calm at the moment. I know I shouldn’t be, I should be shredding curtains, smashing porcelain against walls and yelling my lungs out, but I’m not. Maybe it is because deep down I knew it, I don’t know. The thought of it before used to put me in a state of complete apathy and numbness but I’ve swallowed that this time. It must be because you told me straight and not to other people for me to hear from them. Another year. These 7 months went by quickly, even though everything I said and did was tinted by your smile and my longing.

 

A song inside my head, a demon in my bed

Upside down. It’s the only way I can describe it. I’m in Spain and I think most things I’ve been sure of have brutally been turned around or turned into nothing. I’m not sure of anything anymore; not other people, not myself. I feel two-faced, and I’m fooling myself over and over; I thought I could go down here with class and just keep up every little wall around me I’ve got that I treasure so much, but I can’t. My face, my mask, fell flat to the ground and I’m avoiding everyone, and I even think everyone is avoiding me. Them, him, Spain, the world. Cliffs aren’t high enough, buildings aren’t high enough. My flat is never high enough to be sure falling would be a certain death. I’m trapped. In Spain, in my head.