Still I’m dying with every step I take

It arrived today, the letter I’ve been waiting for. Didn’t state much though, only that I’ve been put in queue for an initial examination to see how deep down in shit I am. It’s weird, I haven’t been seeing my therapist in weeks now just waiting for this letter and I’m starting to feel a bit unstable again. Been better with the bad habits, but it’s on my mind all the time. So I started a diet, and at least that’s better than doing the other things I usually do. Yesterday I managed on 200 calories. Well, until someone decided to pour 2 bottles of wine down my throat.

 

First day of my life

Time to realise he won’t be back anytime soon to be honest, and it’s time to start the panic I guess. If he thinks I’ll be sat here on my arse waiting and waiting, he’s wrong. I’m going somewhere this autumn, that’s for sure, I just don’t know where to yet. After leaving the therapist this morning I had this weird idea growing in my head, I don’t understand why I always have these things going on in my mind every time I’ve been there. She keeps on mentioning I’m leaving for a big trip this autumn. So the question is; why not make it even bigger and make something real out of it?

 

Parachutes

Just a few words together with a video I found on youtube. Exams today and I can finally say I think I managed to pull myself together and pass them. I won’t know yet but it felt good to hand it in, so hopefully this one is over with now. Ain’t it funny though how I can only manage things like this when it gets really crucial? I need to pass this one exam to be allowed to continue my teacher education.

 

Blood panic

Fuck it, I give up. Fine, how the hell am I supposed to function without you, you think? The truth is I don’t. I’ve been sat on this stupid chair for hours now, not only today but for a week now, trying to get my hand-ins done. Not a single word put down so far and my Spanish teachers will probably burn me like a witch in the end of the week because I haven’t managed to hand in more than one task since the start of this semester. I was so sure I’d just pull myself together after you left; I told myself I shouldn’t worry about the things I missed while I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings because we’d been up all night talking, hugging and all the other things I don’t think I have to mention in detail. Because I thought I’d be able to just sort it after you left; thinking it would be easy to just pull myself together and sort it all then.

 

Keep the hurt at bay

It gets dark fast this time of year, it’s like hitting a switch and everything goes black. I’m trying to stick my hand into his; but he’s in a rush and I can’t keep up with him, and every time I seem to be able to get a hold of his hand he just pulls it away. I can hardly breathe; the suffocating, moist cold of this city is something I never got used to. My eyes are seeking his, but his back is turned and after a while I give up. Once on the tram I just stare out of the window instead, meeting nothing but black; thick like a brick wall and before my eyes life’s still flashing by like it’s been doing for the last 48 hours.

 

I take my wings off you

He’s back at my door, like so many times in my dreams. Saying he’s sorry, asking for forgiveness. Begging. Crawling at my feet. She did to him what I said she’d do; she did to him what he did to me. Met someone else, more suiting, moved on. And now he’s back because he realised what he had, what we could be; in our imagination we were always perfect together. But I knew better; deep down I knew for so long – but I wouldn’t realise until months after he went off to Spain, leaving me behind. Now he’s back here again, crying; yes this time around it’s his turn to cry.

 

Love is an excuse to get hurt

and I’m not sure I can do this anymore. Always last on the to-do-list, always in the shadow of everyone else. Unless he’s here; then I’m on top of his world. It’s not enough. What about all the things I have to do then? That I keep putting aside, to make time for us to meet etc. All the hours I really should been studying, not clinging on to something so fucking doomed it’s hilarious.

 

Hot night crash

Uni started again then! Second day of introductions and it’s feeling pretty damn good. This year I will be studying Spanish which will be interesting since I haven’t really done it for four or five years. Will in deed be interesting! To my delight I realised I at least understand what people are saying so I just need to dust off my spoken language and the grammar then I’ll be able to dig into it for real. One of my best friends from uni will be in my class and so will a guy I had in my class last year; so we already formed a group to study with and stick with all year. Best of all; the course includes a 2 week trip to Málaga in Spain to visit universities and schools – and of course – live the culture with flamenco, margueritas and tapas! Looks like I will at least have something to look forward to in my soledad.