Your lips taste of poison

I’m doing it again, running in circles and returning to bad habits I’ve kept myself from for weeks now. Well, starving has been there all the time but I’ve stayed off that bathroom floor at least. But there’s always something or someone there to make you stumble and fall back into that place where you think you belong. For me that place is a prison where I’m not good enough for him, for myself or for anyone.

 

Heartbeats

Everything is just insane at the moment, I can’t believe it’s actually happening; what I thought I’d never be able to put together and above all have enough cash to do. As I read my credit card number out loud to the travel agent it felt like the ground was shivering and I wondered how I managed to even keep my voice steady. When I hung up I had to sit down for a bit to take in what I had actually done and when the first feelings of shock had settled I realised it was for real and I couldn’t stop smiling.

 

Amame por las calles perdidas de mi vida

I’m surprisingly calm at the moment. I know I shouldn’t be, I should be shredding curtains, smashing porcelain against walls and yelling my lungs out, but I’m not. Maybe it is because deep down I knew it, I don’t know. The thought of it before used to put me in a state of complete apathy and numbness but I’ve swallowed that this time. It must be because you told me straight and not to other people for me to hear from them. Another year. These 7 months went by quickly, even though everything I said and did was tinted by your smile and my longing.

 

A song inside my head, a demon in my bed

Upside down. It’s the only way I can describe it. I’m in Spain and I think most things I’ve been sure of have brutally been turned around or turned into nothing. I’m not sure of anything anymore; not other people, not myself. I feel two-faced, and I’m fooling myself over and over; I thought I could go down here with class and just keep up every little wall around me I’ve got that I treasure so much, but I can’t. My face, my mask, fell flat to the ground and I’m avoiding everyone, and I even think everyone is avoiding me. Them, him, Spain, the world. Cliffs aren’t high enough, buildings aren’t high enough. My flat is never high enough to be sure falling would be a certain death. I’m trapped. In Spain, in my head.

 

Still I’m dying with every step I take

It arrived today, the letter I’ve been waiting for. Didn’t state much though, only that I’ve been put in queue for an initial examination to see how deep down in shit I am. It’s weird, I haven’t been seeing my therapist in weeks now just waiting for this letter and I’m starting to feel a bit unstable again. Been better with the bad habits, but it’s on my mind all the time. So I started a diet, and at least that’s better than doing the other things I usually do. Yesterday I managed on 200 calories. Well, until someone decided to pour 2 bottles of wine down my throat.

 

Porchlight

It’s dark in my room but I can still see your eyes; a bit dimmed yet focused on me. The lit candles are playing against the walls, creating a dreamlike scene climbing up and down against the ceiling; playfully chasing eachother. The ground has disappeared under our feet a long time ago like so many times before and it’s not scaring us anymore; we welcome it as a part of who we are together; formed into a natural entity by faith who made us cross paths. You’re like clay in my hands and I’ve got the power to take your breath away again and again, but I’ll keep you on a leash for a little bit longer. I can’t get enough of seeing us this way; made into one where words are unnecessary, in our own universe where no one can reach us.

 

Jigsaw falling into place

Stop lying to yourself girl. You know and everyone reading this stupid blog knows it too. There’s only one reason you want to go to Australia and the reason begins with an R. Damn right, I should stop pretending because clearly it’s no use. The game is on, and until one of us says it’s enough we’ll keep on doing this, I see no other way out. Me, I’m not going to stop, I don’t want to because I want to find out once and for all what we’re all about. It couldn’t been for nothing that he fell on my head and struck me so hard. It couldn’t be for nothing I turned his promise to himself about not getting involved with anyone before he left into nothing. No. There’s something more to this and I will keep on digging until I find the answer.

 

First day of my life

Time to realise he won’t be back anytime soon to be honest, and it’s time to start the panic I guess. If he thinks I’ll be sat here on my arse waiting and waiting, he’s wrong. I’m going somewhere this autumn, that’s for sure, I just don’t know where to yet. After leaving the therapist this morning I had this weird idea growing in my head, I don’t understand why I always have these things going on in my mind every time I’ve been there. She keeps on mentioning I’m leaving for a big trip this autumn. So the question is; why not make it even bigger and make something real out of it?

 

Beginnings and endings

A new year, a new beginning. Isn’t that what they say? Get rid of the old crap and make room for new adventures and experiences. After all, 2007 was a pretty good year, but hopefully 2008 will be even better. There are a lot of things to look forward to and I think I can finally allow myself to do so. I also made some new year’s resolutions, something I’ve never done before since I know I’ll only forget about them the day after. This time though, I could think of a few pretty good ones so I thought it at least would be worth a try.

 

Love me like you’ll never see me again

There. It’s all over for this year and I’m back in my own, safe home, where I don’t have to pretend. Dinner at dad’s today was fine though; I guess he knew commenting on my somewhat half empty/half full plate didn’t have any effect. I did good actually; I actually managed to lose a couple over Christmas. Hopefully even more from running around at work like an ant on speed this week.