Om idag inte var en ändlös landsväg
Och inatt en vild och krokig stig
Om imorgon inte kändes så oändlig
Då är ensamhet ett ord som inte finns

Jag kan inte se min spegelbild i vattnet
Jag kan inte säga sorglösa ord
Jag hör inte mitt eko slå mot gatan
Kan inte minnas vem jag var igår

Men bara om min älskade väntar
Om jag hör hans hjärta sakta slå
Bara om han låg här tätt intill mig
Kan jag bli den jag var igår

Det finns skönhet i flodens silversånger
Det finns skönhet i gryningssolens sken
Men då ser jag i min älskades öga
En skönhet större än allting som jag vet

Men bara om jag vet att du väntar
Och kan höra ditt hjärta sakta slå
Bara om du låg här tätt intill mig
Kan jag bli den jag var igår

(Bara om min älskade väntar - the Uno Svenningsson & Sophie Zelmani version)

 

I’ve got to stop, got to stop the trembling
it’s beginning to drag me down
I’ve got to change my wishes
I’ve got to stop wanting
wanting you here

I’ve got to do something about the dreaming
it leaves the day the loss of been touched
I’ve got to discover some other meaning
and I’ve got to stop
wanting you so much

I’ve got to stop, got to stop the exploding
it’s taking too much sense off me
I’ve got to change my thinking
because it blinds me and blinds the right way to see

I’ve got to stop saving
the abundance becomes a shame without you
I’ve got to give up the believing
I’ve got to stop hoping
but that’s so hard to do

and I’ve got to stop, I’ve got to stop worrying
about why loneliness follows me
I’ve got to stop, damning
damning time
for it’s aging me

(Got to stop - Sophie Zelmani)

 

Leftovers of the night

I haven’t been writing lately because my head is spinning from all kinds of things happening lately, way back and right now. I’ll have to admit that I’m lost and that I don’t know where I’m going from here. Everything lacks a purpose, everything lacks meaning and reason. It’s like I’m just floating along waiting for something to burst for good so I can just give up. Giving up. In many ways I’m already there. I’m tired of standing up, I’m tired of fighting something that just won’t go away; I’m tired of this never-ending battle that’s just lining up round after round. I’m out of breath.

 

Being in love
Means you are completely broken
Then put back together
The one piece that was yours
Is beating in your lover’s chest
She says the same thing about hers

[...]

I am proof that the heart
Is a risky fuel to burn

(Being in love - Songs: Ohia)

 

Pissing in the wind

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this phenomenon called life quality. Life quality. I guess it’s something that should taste sweet, and not bitter as it does to me. Pretty quickly I come to conclusion that I lack this. The more I read up on what’s happening to me and my body, and the more I stay awake through nights thinking about it I realise life quality is something that doesn’t come easy for most people. It’s something that can probably be defined in billions of different ways; probably as many as there are people in this world and everyone wants different things to achieve quality in their lives. Me, I’m not sure what I need nor want to get there. The only thing I really know is what sort of things around me are turning it into something rather opposite.

 

Empty room, empty heart

Love is a strange thing. It fills you up completely, but at the same time nothing can make you feel more empty. I actually stole that quote from myself, stated in another entry on this blog page. It rings more and more true for each day, for each day that passes by without you here and even though I’m insanely happy about our shared feelings, it brings me down as well. Seems I can never be happy enough right? Seems I can never be satisfied, there’s always a dark cloud or two in my blue sky. I still can’t say I’ve forgotten about the whole idea of letting go, whenever I’m not talking to you or replying your txts, it still feels like the most clever thing to do. The truth is that it seems faith has something else planned out for us, no matter how we puzzle with this between us, it won’t end up the way we want. At least not for another few years. We’re bound to be apart; it seems like destiny.

 

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

(Fix you - Coldplay)

 

Bodysnatcher

Be quicker, be stronger; carry the team on your shoulders. Score more goals, cause more havoc, get them out of balance; come on, you can do it. You’re the captain of the team for Christ sake, do it. I can’t, I’m not good enough, I’m not perfect; in fact, I never was good enough. No matter how many times I score in this game, no matter how many times I’ve scored during the whole season. No matter how many awards I’ve won, no matter what they say. I’ll never be good enough. Dad says I can always get better, there’s always some little detail I can practice and correct until I reach perfection. There’s always something. Heads down now, time for face off. There’s still some things left to prove, like always.

 

Wrap my heart around that

Like always when I’ve made up a plan about what to do with things, he comes around to strike me down and make me take back everything. I txted him late last night saying I wanted to talk something through, and I was going to tell him I was done with this, because I simply can’t cope with it with the rest of my life being as messed up as it is. Taking the easy, or not so easy way out, to gain some air to breathe for a while before I dive with my head first into what I hope will sort myself out. Rehabilitation, therapy and everything coming along with that. I was going to cut myself loose to be able to focus on something else but longing myself crazy for someone as far away as he is. He’s not just any opponent though, he’s the only one who’s able to pick me up, put the pieces together and fix me. Temporarily or for good, who knows.

 

With or without you

I’m thinking about giving it up. It’s adding too much tension to my life, too many things I can’t cope with; like being apart, like longing for someone not here, like fighting silent wars for no use. It’s getting more obvious for each day, the fact that I can’t handle it, and that I’m clinging onto something even more fragile than myself. It’s an impossible equation, it’s something already bound to break before it even started and it’s complicating my life in a way I’m not sure I can handle anymore.